I Know Snark

Hey, new officemate

2008-08-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Seriously, do you NOT realize how inappropriate it is to SING in a shared office?!?

No guilt

2008-07-21T05:00:00.001-07:00

I feel no guilt when I see all the key marks your precious Hummer has endured to take up two city parking spaces.

Hah!

2008-07-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

Nice waste of gas beating me to the red light and all

I am the Punisher

2008-06-04T18:17:00.001-07:00

Entitled Bitch is her name, and hitting her face repeatedly into my fist is her game.

Upstairs neighbor AGAIN

2008-05-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

Marissa is it? You fucking heinous cow. You have no idea how much I would pity you if it weren't outweighed by my visceral hate. You should go to great lengths to hide your pathetic life. I know you only leave to get more food in order to maintain your elephantic ass. No matter what time of day it is you're there. Your TV is blaring and those tree trunks you call legs are threating to bust through our ceiling. Really? You're just going to give up like that? Not even try to hide the fact that you're morbidly obese? Because I would be doing everything in my power not draw attention to it. Instead, each step you take is like a public address: I'M OH-BESE, I'M OH-BESE. That yelling you hear from downstairs? That's us warning each other you might crash through any second. You are a joke, a sad, retarded, TV guzzling sack of unloveable fat. You will never have a reason to leave because you have no life. Oh yeah, and we can hear you snore. God you are useless.

Dear financially successful ex-greek members,

2008-03-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

No one likes you. No one likes the things you like. No one likes the places you like. Stop trying to fool yourself that you are saving the world or doing anything good, and please admit to the rest of us that you would be nothing if not for the color of the skin, the accomplishments of your parents, and the fact that modern society is set up for you and you alone to succeed.

love,
the rest of the world

To my upstairs neighbor

2008-02-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure you need a special permit from the city if you are going to be raising a herd of baby elephants.

Gangsters

2008-02-18T00:42:00.001-08:00

Sir Chinko: I know, let's be in a gang! Everybody loves gangs!

X: That's... not true at all...

The Millz: Yeah, there are entire regimes set up to disprove that statement...

I need my pills

2008-02-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

Use your blinker, dipshit. C'mon! This is society.

Never call me fat in public again.

2008-02-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

The next time I hear you whisper ANYTHING about my physical appearance again, I am going to turn around with tears in my eyes and start whimpering LOUDLY "You know, it takes a lot of courage to show my face in public after going through two stages of chemotherapy when I'm clinically depressed and have two failed suicide attempts, so your comments remind me why I wanted to leave this earth in the first place. Thank you for that."

And then, when you receive the harsh judgment of public admonition, I will get very close to your face and whisper so only you can hear "If you ever fucking say anything like that to me again, I will fucking find you and murder your entire family and eat their bodies and I WILL FUCKING LIKE IT."

And then I'll exit stage left.

Sorry you're an asshole

2008-02-05T17:29:00.001-08:00

It's not my fault you thought I was turning into your lane. You thought wrong. You can shove your middle finger and palpable anger right up your butthole. While I masterly parallel park, because I am a perfect vehicle operator.

Get it together

2008-02-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

It's a right turn, not a fucking stop sign.

Snark, the opiate of awesome

2008-02-04T19:27:00.001-08:00

Hey, I'm snarky. It's science. Like, "Hi. We're science, you're welcome!" Yeah.